Something no one ever tells you:
You know that reaction you get when a loved one dies and no one knows how to talk to you?
Well, giving birth to a baby 13 weeks early resembles that same scene.
Few think that it can be a celebration of life. Instead there is this sense of impending doom, grant it, I feel it too. But mostly I feel hope, or am trying to. It helps when others offer it more freely!
There is little "congratulations on your new little one", there IS however genuine love and concern.
I think I mourn now, how it was supposed to be. I'd love to have the work and fatigue of caring for a new little one now. (I will have that soon). Or (not to be selfish) a little pat on the back would be nice, especially because I beat my self up with failure and guilt over this whole thing already!
It is hard to stay hopeful when I have nothing to remind me that her birth happened, she is here and she is really a wonderful addition to our family.
I have an empty crib, a drawer full of baby clothes that won't fit her, and an aching heart longing to have her here at home.
I have wanted to go get her a drawer full of clothes that would fit her, a new diaper bag and a wrap to carry her in and yet I hesitate, and so does my sweet husband, there is always that thought in the back of my head. (I won't type it, you know what it is).
But when she does come home, that is most likely to really happen, we need to be prepared. I know we have time yet.
But something tangible...
I don't feel like I need gifts or praise really, that isn't the point. It is simply this.
The symbol of hope. A physical reminder that you are waiting for the best to happen.
We stayed for 2 days at the Ronald McDonald house a few weeks ago and when we checked out they presented a gift to us for our little girl. A blanket with a small little stuffed animal tied to it.
It was the first gift I had received for my little girl, The first tangible reminder that she would be with us. I didn't' expect to feel so flooded with emotion at a gift frequently given to you when you bring home your little one for the first time. It was like someone was saying to me "Congratulations on your little one, we are so happy for you, and YES, she will be with you" Something I guess I was not aware that I was missing, and actually grieving over the absence of.
Thank you to the person who lovingly donated time and money to make that blanket for us.
I hugged it as we drove home and felt close to my child. I guess this was what I needed.
A few days later, a neighbor brought over a blanket she had tied for Cleo. I thanked her and told her it meant a lot to me. She said, " we are so excited for you!" As I closed the door tears filled my eyes and I hugged the blanket and put it neatly in her empty crib. I am excited to have her too.
You know that reaction you get when a loved one dies and no one knows how to talk to you?
Well, giving birth to a baby 13 weeks early resembles that same scene.
Few think that it can be a celebration of life. Instead there is this sense of impending doom, grant it, I feel it too. But mostly I feel hope, or am trying to. It helps when others offer it more freely!
There is little "congratulations on your new little one", there IS however genuine love and concern.
I think I mourn now, how it was supposed to be. I'd love to have the work and fatigue of caring for a new little one now. (I will have that soon). Or (not to be selfish) a little pat on the back would be nice, especially because I beat my self up with failure and guilt over this whole thing already!
It is hard to stay hopeful when I have nothing to remind me that her birth happened, she is here and she is really a wonderful addition to our family.
I have an empty crib, a drawer full of baby clothes that won't fit her, and an aching heart longing to have her here at home.
I have wanted to go get her a drawer full of clothes that would fit her, a new diaper bag and a wrap to carry her in and yet I hesitate, and so does my sweet husband, there is always that thought in the back of my head. (I won't type it, you know what it is).
But when she does come home, that is most likely to really happen, we need to be prepared. I know we have time yet.
But something tangible...
I don't feel like I need gifts or praise really, that isn't the point. It is simply this.
The symbol of hope. A physical reminder that you are waiting for the best to happen.
We stayed for 2 days at the Ronald McDonald house a few weeks ago and when we checked out they presented a gift to us for our little girl. A blanket with a small little stuffed animal tied to it.
It was the first gift I had received for my little girl, The first tangible reminder that she would be with us. I didn't' expect to feel so flooded with emotion at a gift frequently given to you when you bring home your little one for the first time. It was like someone was saying to me "Congratulations on your little one, we are so happy for you, and YES, she will be with you" Something I guess I was not aware that I was missing, and actually grieving over the absence of.
Thank you to the person who lovingly donated time and money to make that blanket for us.
I hugged it as we drove home and felt close to my child. I guess this was what I needed.
A few days later, a neighbor brought over a blanket she had tied for Cleo. I thanked her and told her it meant a lot to me. She said, " we are so excited for you!" As I closed the door tears filled my eyes and I hugged the blanket and put it neatly in her empty crib. I am excited to have her too.
It was another symbol of hope!
It turns out they offer a different kind of comfort to me.
Then a little neighbor girl, (5 years old) Brought me some roses she had picked from her house, right at the bottom of the roses and brought them to me, "I brought you these flowers because I know you had your baby!" there was no look of "I am sorry", or sadness, she was offering a very thoughtful loving gesture that melted my heart!
Don't get me wrong, the tender, loving concern for me and my baby are truly and deeply appreciated.
But to see things in a somewhat "normal" way makes me hopeful that things will be okay.
Sometimes a look of sympathy isn't always the best medicine for a grieving mother, who can't see and hold her baby.
I need permission to be happy that my little girl IS here.
These gifts, though seemingly small, offer just that.
______________________
~So I decided while shopping for kids summer clothes, I'd look at some preemie clothes,
Love Kid to Kid for that, they always have a good selection.
I found a lot of cute pieces, but one in particular that had lady bugs (for my Cleo-Bug) on it,
so I couldn't resist.
so I couldn't resist.
Something about having some baby clothes for her makes me feel like I haven't given up.
They are also sitting in her crib waiting for Cleo's homecoming.
I wanted to portray just how small preemie clothes are. The outfit next to the preemie outfit is 0-3 months clothes, The ladybug outfit, I am sure for a while will even be big on Cleo WHEN she comes home.
I love imagining her in them, I just makes me smile.
Preemie clothes are SO DARLING!! I'm so glad you are shopping for Cleo. Be careful, because they can become an addiction, so petite and perfect - just like her. heh I had so many outfits once Ethan came home, he wore them all like... once I think.
ReplyDeleteMy favorite outfits are still in pristine condition folded in a box in storage because they symbolize so much. Whenever I look at them, I feel connected to him. (Confiscate a small diaper from the hospital sometime and hold onto it. SO FUN!)
I'm so glad you have that hope and connection because she WILL come home and things will be normal, for her. :) *HUGS* (Have you ever thought, that for her... this is normal? She doesn't know mortality any other way.)
Wendy, I have thought about it being normal for her. I am just hoping she can transition to our home and the changes that will bring for her, I worried about that for a while, I am sure we will all have to adjust. We'll be fine. Thanks, I am so glad that you understand my thoughts.
ReplyDeleteAmy, I'm glad you went out and bought her something! You need to do that. I think a lot of people just don't know what to say. I should know, I was in that situation with my little guy a few years ago. Keep holding on, keep that faith that she will come home. She is strong, and she a mom who is just as strong! Love the both of you!
ReplyDeleteThanks!!!
ReplyDelete