We entered our Journey through the NICU May 4th 2012 @ 9:38 am
I never imagined that April 30th -the day I was admitted in the hospital (5 days prior to this time), I would forever be changed.
After 87 days, 2090.42 hours, and 125,425.2 minutes we ended this journey on July 29th 2012 @ 1:20 pm, and entered into a new chapter of our lives.
One strange thing about it all is that it just ENDED. It is strange: As my husband says it felt like we went from going 90 miles per hour to a complete stop."
It is so true, it was just over. LIKE THAT! *snaps fingers
Upon reflection there are many things that changed in me during this process. Some of these changes have remained. Some sprouted, grew and faded into the background, sometimes revealing themselves at the worst and most sorrowful moments. Others planted deep roots in my soul purifying and strengthening who I am now. I don't know that I will ever be the same.
I do imagine that the changes made in me will sometimes be forgotten for short moments. But I hope will resurface again. I believe no one can come out of any kind of trial, (be it a loss or a triumph) the same as they were before they encountered such a moment. The outcome is not always the best, but hopefully for most of us it purifies and strengthens us, and we come out better and stronger and a person of real substance, able to set aside those trivial, though sometimes necessary pursuits of life, having grown that much more.
I admit there are some seeds of hurt and anger and (perhaps some others still hiding) that I seem to coddle now, not yet ready to let go of. I am sure they too will fade and die, if I can move past them. As more time passes perhaps I will let them go.
There in lies the workings of a growing and learning soul.
We arrive at one station in life after a bumpy ride happy to have arrived at your destination, not knowing how long you will be there, when the next trip will be or how long you will be on the next train again.
Arrival brings peace, finding peace in the journey is the hardest part.
Some rides are short and smooth, pleasant, some are terrifying and rattle you to the core. Making your arrival that much sweeter.
Peace can be found even in the most turbulent time.
So my arrival now consists of me finally holding a baby on my lap as I type frantically trying to put down in writing the things that sit in my heart busting to be out.
I LOVE HAVING MY FAMILY BACK IN ONE PIECE!!!! Love love love it.
Although I am tired from the extra work that any new baby brings. The exhaustion of fatigue and lack of sleep is much more doable then the heavy load of emotional torment, loneliness, anger and guilt I carried for a time.
The ups and downs of the NICU life is unpredictable, inescapable and very volatile.
NO matter how many good days you have, you are always on perched on the side of the cliff hoping not to fall off again.
Having that behind me has allowed me now to clean up the mess that is my heart and piece it back together.
None of the pieces fit quite the same. But like I said I am forever changed. Some may even notice, I am one who wears my emotions on my sleeve. Willing to share with anyone willing to listen my thoughts---- not any longer. I am not that person anymore. As long as I remember this:
NOT everyone wants to hear it, or knows what to say. Perhaps I will be more guarded.
I can't seek refuge from those who cannot offer it, sadly a lesson I learned too. I can't be hurt if I am more selective with whom I trust my heart.
Okay some of the other pieces of my heart was the part my family lost for a time.
When I was home I was not here. Physically I was here with them, but mentally, emotionally and spiritually I was not with them. It was too hard, to mundane too demanding. I couldn't be in the moment like I needed to be. This division in my soul was taxing to my family, though they may not have been able to pin point it, I can't deny it.
The week that I got my baby home I did something for my kids just to give them they pure joy that they needed.
Knowing I would not go camping this summer, we roasted marshmallows and had s'mores over our gas stove, I set up the tent in the play room and found some sounds of camping on the computer (crickets, fires and forest sounds). Sadly, this was the first thing I did to help my kids really enjoy the summer, that I was not obligated to do. Something spontaneous and fun. It was so nice to be me again!!! And do something just for the pure joy of it.
Before I walked around like an empty shell, hallow and yet heavy.
Now I am full, light and more capable of joy.
Don't get me wrong, It wasn't that I was incapable during this trial to have joy and peace, it was just harder and I had to dig deeply inside to find it. When I did have those moments they were rare gems that helped me endure that much longer. Having a baby in the NICU, whether it be one day or 5 months is a consuming, insatiable hole that grows bigger as time passes. I can't say that for every one, I can't even speak for my husband, but as a mother, my heart ached and longed to be with my little one. I could physically feel the pull of my spirit, body and soul reaching across miles while my" little bug" was not home.
I am busier then ever but my soul is happier then before. I am changed and renewed.
A few lessons I learned: (Some were surprises along the way)
Patience is a point of arrival. It is not something that you have so that you can endure, it is that thing you get AFTER you have endured. Before patience, it is hope, trust, faith, love acceptance, and just plain waiting. We have patience for different things in our lives, not everyone has it for the same area.
Not everyone will listen or hear what you have to say or feel. When I am approached I will not invalidate someone's pain by trying to make them see the other side. Just because they feel one way does not mean that they don't have an understanding of how things are and really should be. "yeah but, you don't want her home until she is ready" invalidates me, when I have expressed pain when she is not in my arms yet. NO amount of words can change the way I feel. NOT everyone will be safe to confide in. Even those you thought you could trust: Lesson learned.
Gratitude! Someone always has it worse.
Only days after our little bug was home, I received heartbreaking news of sweet little boy who passed. He was one of the room mates of my little one. Although, I didn't know the parents well, I wept that day, and still do when I think of what pain they have suffered. I have since become friends with the mother of this angel. She herself has been gracious and loving toward me and my baby, even in our good fortune she has been so kind, and seems to be filled with peace. I will always have a very special place in my heart for her and her son. There is a bond that can be found among the families in the NICU, a sense of hope, longing and praying that is abundant and apparent when you look for it. We found it.
I am so grateful for my little miracle, as we have now closed this chapter, my blog will still be going, though its contents may dull and news lesson there is still things to be said.
The out come of my little one's premature adventure into the world is still unknown, she may have long term things that she will need to over come, or she may not. Only time will tell.
We do know this:
She only has one working kidney. And will need extra follow ups for this.
Her vision as of now, seems to be okay, but is still to be determined.
We won't know yet if their will be delays in other areas, but we shall see.
I have, however, had to chuckle as I now have her home and many ask me HOW OLD IS SHE?
I have a mix of emotions, trepidation, and pride.
I don't want to have to explain that my baby is 3 and a half months old, and looks like she is just days old.
I have to explain: well she was 3 months early.
The pride comes from the journey we fought and over came, the trepidation comes from the onslaught questions that may follow.
As it is, I am over all happy, relieved and relishing the life that is mine.
And I am indeed grateful that OUR little Cleo is home at last.
I never imagined that April 30th -the day I was admitted in the hospital (5 days prior to this time), I would forever be changed.
After 87 days, 2090.42 hours, and 125,425.2 minutes we ended this journey on July 29th 2012 @ 1:20 pm, and entered into a new chapter of our lives.
One strange thing about it all is that it just ENDED. It is strange: As my husband says it felt like we went from going 90 miles per hour to a complete stop."
It is so true, it was just over. LIKE THAT! *snaps fingers
Upon reflection there are many things that changed in me during this process. Some of these changes have remained. Some sprouted, grew and faded into the background, sometimes revealing themselves at the worst and most sorrowful moments. Others planted deep roots in my soul purifying and strengthening who I am now. I don't know that I will ever be the same.
I do imagine that the changes made in me will sometimes be forgotten for short moments. But I hope will resurface again. I believe no one can come out of any kind of trial, (be it a loss or a triumph) the same as they were before they encountered such a moment. The outcome is not always the best, but hopefully for most of us it purifies and strengthens us, and we come out better and stronger and a person of real substance, able to set aside those trivial, though sometimes necessary pursuits of life, having grown that much more.
I admit there are some seeds of hurt and anger and (perhaps some others still hiding) that I seem to coddle now, not yet ready to let go of. I am sure they too will fade and die, if I can move past them. As more time passes perhaps I will let them go.
There in lies the workings of a growing and learning soul.
We arrive at one station in life after a bumpy ride happy to have arrived at your destination, not knowing how long you will be there, when the next trip will be or how long you will be on the next train again.
Arrival brings peace, finding peace in the journey is the hardest part.
Some rides are short and smooth, pleasant, some are terrifying and rattle you to the core. Making your arrival that much sweeter.
Peace can be found even in the most turbulent time.
So my arrival now consists of me finally holding a baby on my lap as I type frantically trying to put down in writing the things that sit in my heart busting to be out.
I LOVE HAVING MY FAMILY BACK IN ONE PIECE!!!! Love love love it.
Although I am tired from the extra work that any new baby brings. The exhaustion of fatigue and lack of sleep is much more doable then the heavy load of emotional torment, loneliness, anger and guilt I carried for a time.
The ups and downs of the NICU life is unpredictable, inescapable and very volatile.
NO matter how many good days you have, you are always on perched on the side of the cliff hoping not to fall off again.
Having that behind me has allowed me now to clean up the mess that is my heart and piece it back together.
None of the pieces fit quite the same. But like I said I am forever changed. Some may even notice, I am one who wears my emotions on my sleeve. Willing to share with anyone willing to listen my thoughts---- not any longer. I am not that person anymore. As long as I remember this:
NOT everyone wants to hear it, or knows what to say. Perhaps I will be more guarded.
I can't seek refuge from those who cannot offer it, sadly a lesson I learned too. I can't be hurt if I am more selective with whom I trust my heart.
Okay some of the other pieces of my heart was the part my family lost for a time.
When I was home I was not here. Physically I was here with them, but mentally, emotionally and spiritually I was not with them. It was too hard, to mundane too demanding. I couldn't be in the moment like I needed to be. This division in my soul was taxing to my family, though they may not have been able to pin point it, I can't deny it.
The week that I got my baby home I did something for my kids just to give them they pure joy that they needed.
Knowing I would not go camping this summer, we roasted marshmallows and had s'mores over our gas stove, I set up the tent in the play room and found some sounds of camping on the computer (crickets, fires and forest sounds). Sadly, this was the first thing I did to help my kids really enjoy the summer, that I was not obligated to do. Something spontaneous and fun. It was so nice to be me again!!! And do something just for the pure joy of it.
Before I walked around like an empty shell, hallow and yet heavy.
Now I am full, light and more capable of joy.
Don't get me wrong, It wasn't that I was incapable during this trial to have joy and peace, it was just harder and I had to dig deeply inside to find it. When I did have those moments they were rare gems that helped me endure that much longer. Having a baby in the NICU, whether it be one day or 5 months is a consuming, insatiable hole that grows bigger as time passes. I can't say that for every one, I can't even speak for my husband, but as a mother, my heart ached and longed to be with my little one. I could physically feel the pull of my spirit, body and soul reaching across miles while my" little bug" was not home.
I am busier then ever but my soul is happier then before. I am changed and renewed.
A few lessons I learned: (Some were surprises along the way)
Patience is a point of arrival. It is not something that you have so that you can endure, it is that thing you get AFTER you have endured. Before patience, it is hope, trust, faith, love acceptance, and just plain waiting. We have patience for different things in our lives, not everyone has it for the same area.
Not everyone will listen or hear what you have to say or feel. When I am approached I will not invalidate someone's pain by trying to make them see the other side. Just because they feel one way does not mean that they don't have an understanding of how things are and really should be. "yeah but, you don't want her home until she is ready" invalidates me, when I have expressed pain when she is not in my arms yet. NO amount of words can change the way I feel. NOT everyone will be safe to confide in. Even those you thought you could trust: Lesson learned.
Gratitude! Someone always has it worse.
Only days after our little bug was home, I received heartbreaking news of sweet little boy who passed. He was one of the room mates of my little one. Although, I didn't know the parents well, I wept that day, and still do when I think of what pain they have suffered. I have since become friends with the mother of this angel. She herself has been gracious and loving toward me and my baby, even in our good fortune she has been so kind, and seems to be filled with peace. I will always have a very special place in my heart for her and her son. There is a bond that can be found among the families in the NICU, a sense of hope, longing and praying that is abundant and apparent when you look for it. We found it.
I am so grateful for my little miracle, as we have now closed this chapter, my blog will still be going, though its contents may dull and news lesson there is still things to be said.
The out come of my little one's premature adventure into the world is still unknown, she may have long term things that she will need to over come, or she may not. Only time will tell.
We do know this:
She only has one working kidney. And will need extra follow ups for this.
Her vision as of now, seems to be okay, but is still to be determined.
We won't know yet if their will be delays in other areas, but we shall see.
I have, however, had to chuckle as I now have her home and many ask me HOW OLD IS SHE?
I have a mix of emotions, trepidation, and pride.
I don't want to have to explain that my baby is 3 and a half months old, and looks like she is just days old.
I have to explain: well she was 3 months early.
The pride comes from the journey we fought and over came, the trepidation comes from the onslaught questions that may follow.
As it is, I am over all happy, relieved and relishing the life that is mine.
And I am indeed grateful that OUR little Cleo is home at last.
