Tues. June 19th, as I arrived at the hospital, driving alone, my heart sunk and I had a feeling of incredible urgency overcome me. I am loosing patience I am afraid. I was happy to see my baby, of course but I knew it was just a visit and I'd have to leave her again. That made my heart feel heavy. While there I had the chance to hold her and help her learn how to feed. More of an introductory course. She was very interested and immediately sucked. She isn't ready to actually eat or get what she needs, but her interest is indeed a great sign. She is gaining that instinct need for any babies survival. Best of all she knew who I was.
She gave it her all and they rewarded her by filling her tummy using her feeding tube while I held her. She sucked fell asleep woke up sucked and fell asleep. It was amazing. The incredible part too was when I came into the room she started smacking her lips to the sound of my voice.
I finally felt like her mother. She knew me from all the other voices and touches and smells around her. A fear that often overtaken me when I thought about my little one being cared for daily by others. Especially given the intermittent times I could be there. I felt a little more whole. The occupational therapist that was working with me was impressed with the quick response she had when she was put in my arms and I was holding her skin to skin. "What a smart pup!" is what she actually said, I thought that was funny! She told me a story about a mother who lived in the Four Corners area and couldn't be with her preemie for 3 months, and her little one took to her mother like a duck takes to water. After not being there for so long, I think that is incredible.
God has a way of imprinting us from utero with the knowledge of who our mother is. Amazing to me that those ties can not be severed no matter the time away and the other smells, sounds and sights that a baby may encounter, they know their mother. God is indeed a loving God, when he can give us the gift of love and belonging from conception, she was with me for 7 months, but I had no idea that that time was long enough for her to know me.I am grateful that God has given each mother that gift.
I felt robbed of that time in the hospital to bond with her only seconds after she are born, I thought I could never get that and yesterday I did.
After I had some time with her, I went to do something they call survivor beads. You get a bead on a necklace to mark all of the milestones of your baby's time in the NICU. No one else showed up so I had one on one time with the NICU support parents. It was two women who's children had spent time in the NICU, both of these women had done it twice, their survivors were ages 8 and up. I was able to talk about everything I had felt and was going through and they were able to understand me. And advise me and cry with me. THE PROBLEM was it opened all the wounds I had carefully and hopelessly placed a small amount of scotch tape on to make it through my day with out falling apart daily. MY heart began to ache, and I began to feel again. I didn't realize I had been simply living in survival mode/crisis mode. No wonder nothing was getting done around here.
It has taken me two days to replace the temporary seal over my aching heart. I can't fall apart like that everyday it is exhausting and painful. I am sure anyone who has dealt with any kind of crisis knows exactly what I am talking about.
I did the same thing with my loss of my mother almost 15 years ago.
Only those wounds have a better seal and the it stays on longer. I still ache to talk to her...that pain never quite goes away. But it gets easier most days. I have 3 other children and with each child I have had days where I have mourned with a fresh pain the loss of my mother. I haven't done it in the same way with this one. I do miss her, but it makes me wonder, is it because she is there with my Cleo? Perhaps so. And maybe even my grandma Pendleton and my Grandma Cleo Gentry are there to keep her company when I am not.
It provides comfort to ponder!
She gave it her all and they rewarded her by filling her tummy using her feeding tube while I held her. She sucked fell asleep woke up sucked and fell asleep. It was amazing. The incredible part too was when I came into the room she started smacking her lips to the sound of my voice.
I finally felt like her mother. She knew me from all the other voices and touches and smells around her. A fear that often overtaken me when I thought about my little one being cared for daily by others. Especially given the intermittent times I could be there. I felt a little more whole. The occupational therapist that was working with me was impressed with the quick response she had when she was put in my arms and I was holding her skin to skin. "What a smart pup!" is what she actually said, I thought that was funny! She told me a story about a mother who lived in the Four Corners area and couldn't be with her preemie for 3 months, and her little one took to her mother like a duck takes to water. After not being there for so long, I think that is incredible.
God has a way of imprinting us from utero with the knowledge of who our mother is. Amazing to me that those ties can not be severed no matter the time away and the other smells, sounds and sights that a baby may encounter, they know their mother. God is indeed a loving God, when he can give us the gift of love and belonging from conception, she was with me for 7 months, but I had no idea that that time was long enough for her to know me.I am grateful that God has given each mother that gift.
I felt robbed of that time in the hospital to bond with her only seconds after she are born, I thought I could never get that and yesterday I did.
After I had some time with her, I went to do something they call survivor beads. You get a bead on a necklace to mark all of the milestones of your baby's time in the NICU. No one else showed up so I had one on one time with the NICU support parents. It was two women who's children had spent time in the NICU, both of these women had done it twice, their survivors were ages 8 and up. I was able to talk about everything I had felt and was going through and they were able to understand me. And advise me and cry with me. THE PROBLEM was it opened all the wounds I had carefully and hopelessly placed a small amount of scotch tape on to make it through my day with out falling apart daily. MY heart began to ache, and I began to feel again. I didn't realize I had been simply living in survival mode/crisis mode. No wonder nothing was getting done around here.
It has taken me two days to replace the temporary seal over my aching heart. I can't fall apart like that everyday it is exhausting and painful. I am sure anyone who has dealt with any kind of crisis knows exactly what I am talking about.
I did the same thing with my loss of my mother almost 15 years ago.
Only those wounds have a better seal and the it stays on longer. I still ache to talk to her...that pain never quite goes away. But it gets easier most days. I have 3 other children and with each child I have had days where I have mourned with a fresh pain the loss of my mother. I haven't done it in the same way with this one. I do miss her, but it makes me wonder, is it because she is there with my Cleo? Perhaps so. And maybe even my grandma Pendleton and my Grandma Cleo Gentry are there to keep her company when I am not.
It provides comfort to ponder!
Amy, Love your post! I am such a strong believer that those that have past before us are with our babies every day. Eli (2 years and 2 months now) still says only simple words. And I KNOW it is because he is not ready to say good-bye to Paul. Sometimes in the middle of the night I can hear him jabbering away in his crib, in conversation mode. I never have any doubt who he is talking to. I'm glad he has this time to get to know his grandfathers.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad there are good women on the other side to keep your little one company too, to hold her hand, stroke her hair and sing her to sleep. Isn't The Plan of Happiness grand?
Yes it is grand indeed!
ReplyDeleteI have similar experiences like that with my Madi, who was born with Down Syndrome. She turned 5 in February, and she does not speak. But occasionally, she will be playing by herself on the couch (one of her favorite spots), or in her crib at night, and all of a sudden she just starts giggling and laughing. She has an older brother who died shortly after birth, and I've had the feeling come to me that the reason why she doesn't speak is that she would give away all the secrets of Heaven that we aren't supposed to know yet.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing this journey with little Cleo with me! I've admired you so much ever since we grew up together in St George. Without even knowing it, you pulled me through some hard times there.
Love you!
Kim