Today Cleo is in need of a blood transfusion. She has been a little pale and they have been monitoring her closely. Turns out her oxygen saturation levels have been unstable. She will need to receive some red blood cells to help level her off. Red blood cells carry oxygen in our bodies. These little ones do not produce their own. It is common for preemies to have blood transfusions, just not something they want to do. It comes with some possible risks of infections. She will be receiving the transfusion for the next 3-6 hours, and will have to stop her feedings for 6-9 hours, (so much for weight gain today).
The up side is that babies generally do not have the immune system to reject the transfusions that adults do.
So a transfusion is actually accepted more readily.
I was planning on a trip to see her today, in light of today's procedures, I think I will wait until tomorrow, I am afraid that just looking at her just isn't enough any more. I need to be able to hold my little bug. It has been a long two weeks and I think waiting until she is more stable is a better option. I'd hate to go and have her taken from my arms or not be able to hold her at all.
It is simply heart breaking to go through this. I hate to see my little one going through so much in this earliest part of life. I simply feel powerless and want nothing more then to rescue her.
OTHER THOUGHTS:
I think the questions, or thoughts that keep running through my mind are these:
Will my baby get used to what they do, who they are, and does my presence even matter? After being away for so long does the sound of my voice, or the touch of my hand give her comfort? Will the lack of being held affect her development? It is so hard to not be a part of her life on a daily basis. I know that she is still developing mentally, and maybe these things will not shape her permanently. Sometimes I feel so distant from my child that it will be like an adoption when I can finally bring her home. I suppose though that it would really be no different then bringing home a newborn. She is supposed be in Utero right now anyway, growing, and developing. She isn't supposed be getting any of this stimulus, and interaction with the outside world. She is supposed to be feeling the rocking and moving, hearing the sounds of my voice, or the daily sounds of my life.
Instead she is hearing the beeping of monitors, feeling no movement and hearing only the voices of the nurses doctors and all the other things in the hospital. It is hard not to wonder about these things.
Candidly Speaking:
I can't help but feel some bit of guilt for bringing my baby to this world so early.
As my body failed, I feel like I failed her.
Yes, I know it isn't my fault LOGICALLY, I know this.
But how do you escape those feelings of failure and guilt?
Four years ago, I was warned after my son was born @ 35 weeks, that I would likely have a preemie and
get pre-eclampsia again. I heeded that warning and DH and I decided that 3 children would be our lives.
We were okay with this, to a degree.
However, three and a half years later our plans changed as I began to have dreams each night about another child on a daily basis and felt the promptings of the Holy Ghost along with these dreams, until I finally came to my nerves and told my husband my thoughts, we knew what that meant. We were to have this little one in our lives. So we did and here we are. ( Now, it is hard not question what I know to be true, although I know what I felt.)
I could never have anticipated such a difficult challenge. I think if I had known that this would be our fate, I likely would not have made this choice, in spite of my answers.
But alas, here we are in the presence of daily miracles. Dealing each day with the ups and downs of having a baby born before her time. I was given comfort the night before she was born that I was worthy of the miracles that I would see, and that we would be HONORED to be a part of them. Honored was the word spoken to my mind.
Cleo has been my miracle, each day that she is alive is a miracle.
I admit, I have never prayed more, cried more or been more elated in my life.
I cannot describe to you what it means to go through this. I don't think anyone can understand it until they themselves have passed through this.
I DO know that Christ himself has felt and carried this burden for me. Thank Goodness for my testimony, knowing I am not alone. God has been and will still carry me through this.
I have an overwhelming love for my little girl and my heart longs to have her in my arms. Once I have her home I MAY NEVER LET HER GO! My little bug has changed my life forever.
The up side is that babies generally do not have the immune system to reject the transfusions that adults do.
So a transfusion is actually accepted more readily.
I was planning on a trip to see her today, in light of today's procedures, I think I will wait until tomorrow, I am afraid that just looking at her just isn't enough any more. I need to be able to hold my little bug. It has been a long two weeks and I think waiting until she is more stable is a better option. I'd hate to go and have her taken from my arms or not be able to hold her at all.
It is simply heart breaking to go through this. I hate to see my little one going through so much in this earliest part of life. I simply feel powerless and want nothing more then to rescue her.
OTHER THOUGHTS:
I think the questions, or thoughts that keep running through my mind are these:
Will my baby get used to what they do, who they are, and does my presence even matter? After being away for so long does the sound of my voice, or the touch of my hand give her comfort? Will the lack of being held affect her development? It is so hard to not be a part of her life on a daily basis. I know that she is still developing mentally, and maybe these things will not shape her permanently. Sometimes I feel so distant from my child that it will be like an adoption when I can finally bring her home. I suppose though that it would really be no different then bringing home a newborn. She is supposed be in Utero right now anyway, growing, and developing. She isn't supposed be getting any of this stimulus, and interaction with the outside world. She is supposed to be feeling the rocking and moving, hearing the sounds of my voice, or the daily sounds of my life.
Instead she is hearing the beeping of monitors, feeling no movement and hearing only the voices of the nurses doctors and all the other things in the hospital. It is hard not to wonder about these things.
Candidly Speaking:
I can't help but feel some bit of guilt for bringing my baby to this world so early.
As my body failed, I feel like I failed her.
Yes, I know it isn't my fault LOGICALLY, I know this.
But how do you escape those feelings of failure and guilt?
Four years ago, I was warned after my son was born @ 35 weeks, that I would likely have a preemie and
get pre-eclampsia again. I heeded that warning and DH and I decided that 3 children would be our lives.
We were okay with this, to a degree.
However, three and a half years later our plans changed as I began to have dreams each night about another child on a daily basis and felt the promptings of the Holy Ghost along with these dreams, until I finally came to my nerves and told my husband my thoughts, we knew what that meant. We were to have this little one in our lives. So we did and here we are. ( Now, it is hard not question what I know to be true, although I know what I felt.)
I could never have anticipated such a difficult challenge. I think if I had known that this would be our fate, I likely would not have made this choice, in spite of my answers.
But alas, here we are in the presence of daily miracles. Dealing each day with the ups and downs of having a baby born before her time. I was given comfort the night before she was born that I was worthy of the miracles that I would see, and that we would be HONORED to be a part of them. Honored was the word spoken to my mind.
Cleo has been my miracle, each day that she is alive is a miracle.
I admit, I have never prayed more, cried more or been more elated in my life.
I cannot describe to you what it means to go through this. I don't think anyone can understand it until they themselves have passed through this.
I DO know that Christ himself has felt and carried this burden for me. Thank Goodness for my testimony, knowing I am not alone. God has been and will still carry me through this.
I have an overwhelming love for my little girl and my heart longs to have her in my arms. Once I have her home I MAY NEVER LET HER GO! My little bug has changed my life forever.
After reading today's blog I read all of the former blogs and looked at the pictures. You and your family are precious. Darling children and a supportive husband. You are having an ordeal that shapes this earth life and eternity. Make no mistake. Your humanity mixed with the people you love are sculpturing the image of Christ upon your counteneces while chipping off the dross. You'll make it. Your family will also. I'm glad you are keeping us all posted. It increases your support system as it broadens our concerns.
ReplyDeleteI hope the blood transfusion will help her strength overall. I'm sorry you don't get to hold her today. *HUGS* That's got to be murder to live so far away. Hang in there. I really appreciate you sharing your questions and your feelings, your testimony and your love. The spirit plucked a chord in my heart with your words.
ReplyDeleteI know that trials focus our understanding and reception of spiritual truths. I know it. I've felt the refiners fire burn and soothe all at once. The veil is thin in those moments. Honored... that's so precious. Cleo is a special little bug, so frail and tiny in this moment but a spiritual powerhouse. And she has been born to "goodly parents" that are "kind and dear". She knows it. She is an angel and has many angels helping her.