It Hurts Too Much

Cleo's progress comes and goes.
We had 3 days with nothing above a grade zero of A's and B's---(Apnea and Bradycardia)
 Then last night, two grade ones and a two.
The frustration mounts as we step forward only to go backwards again.

I know we are still waiting on her eyes to vasculate, so really the count down to seven days means nothing if her eyes aren't ready.

I can not express the determination that I have to have her home in 2 weeks, but it is hard to be optimistic, when we have 3 days of true progress and then step backwards in a BIG way.
How do you hang on to the hope of her homecoming when things are so uncertain?

I have never experienced anything like this.
I have NO control of what happens in my little girl's life.
Yes, I know I have no control of my life in many aspects, but this is the ultimate test of my patience and trust in my Heavenly Father.

I want to believe that my prayers will bring her home when I want her to be here.
I want to think MY child will blow the minds of all the doctors and breach all expectations and they'll call me and miracles of all miracles, they'll say "we can't believe it, overnight she is ready to be home NOW"
 

 We still have some time yet. Two weeks isn't long I know, but no one can garentee that it will happen even then. One day after six days of no A's and B's can push her back again. I am not sure I can handle a count down when it can be so easily stopped. The uncertainty is painful and I don't know if I can push through it.
A lot can happen in 2 weeks for the better or for the worst.

Just as my confidence was building, my trust strengthened, I am thrown back.
I know it isn't the end of the world and I know she will be home, and I know we have made some incredible strides. I just want to move forward, I don't want to keep traveling back and forth week in and week out.
 I was starting to feel TOO GOOD I guess, I was bound to be crushed again. 

Yes, she could realistically be home in 2 weeks but really can a handle it if she is not, do I stop wishing for that date? Shouldn't I just want her home in the best condition possible and forget a time line? I suppose that would help.
Why does my husband take this in such great strides, he seems unaffected, while I seem to fall apart at every backwards step she takes.

I don't think I am meant to do this today....can I just go to bed and stay there until she is home?
Why do I have to care so much?

If you asked me how I am holding up today...I am not.
I am crushed.
Simply said, today is a hard day.
It hurts too much.

I want my baby home.