Coming to terms, at least for now.

Cleo is starting her count down on her A's and B's, as of this morning she has had nothing above a Grade Zero for 3 days (we only need 4 more), we'll take it. Hopefully, we will not have to restart the count, but I will remain cautiously optimistic. I don't want to loose my footing just as I am gaining it.



 You know through this whole thing I can honestly say, I haven't had strong impressions or revelations like I would have wanted them. I pray all of the time, and I can say that I have sometimes been disappointed by the lack of STRONG answers. All of the answers have been subtle and few have been glaringly obvious.
Does that mean HE hasn't heard me?
NO, It just means I need to just trust that what I do not see, and remain worthy to feel.
The answers haven't been impressions as much as the way things have gone.
Cleo is doing remarkable, considering what could have gone wrong, or the time that it takes.
She has overcome so much.

So yesterday I felt some answers to my prayers and thoughts came clearly to my mind through the spirit.
"It is what it is, you can't control it", I have heard that phrase before but never personalized it to my current situation. Upon having that thought, I finally said, "yes, it is what it is" with peace in my soul. I haven't felt that way yet.

I have been kicking and screaming the whole way. Impatiently angry that I had no control. Not willing to let go of control.....It is exhausting. I highly recommend letting go of control in a situation that you have no control of, however, you have to come to that point on your own. NO ONE can make you feel peace until you are in that place.

It is what it is, what happened, happened. Looking back and looking forward only makes things harder.

I think it is safe to say that I have been processing this thing somewhat as a grieving process.

Denial and Isolation: Puzzlement, why did this happen?
Anger/Guilt:  at self and sometimes at God for failing me and me for failing myself and my baby.
Bargaining: More like trying to control it, Not trusting that things will happen.
Depression: Yeah that has been there, I believe too that I have a case of Post-traumatic stress disorder.
Not so much of  postpartum, this is because of the near loss of my life and and baby's life. HARD TO DEAL WITH!
And Finally:
Acceptance: Really, it is what it is, no matter how much I want it to be something else.

So upon finally accepting what has happened, what is happening and what will happen, I feel a little lighter.
Perhaps I needed to go through this process, though it seems my husband came to the end of this process on day one.
I don't know that I will always be in this place, but being here for the first time since Cleo was born is certainly eye opening and a relief.

It is funny, I tell my kids all of the time, you don't have to worry about that, you get to just be the kid, I can be the parent, relax!

I am I really that blind and stupid to the ways of God, not to hear or understand the same principle?
I was acting like my 4 year old who screams and yells until they either get their way or are sent to their room.
I suppose in any situation we can be like children as we continue to learn  and grow in this mortal existence.

So even if her due date comes and goes and she is still not home, I should accept it as it comes, the best that I can.

 I also know this:
The prayers of so many for me, my family and especially my little girl have brought miracles to her life.
I feel strongly about this.
For this outpouring of love I have not enough words of gratitude, I cannot express the love I have for so many who have showed so much love to us. Gentle words of encouragement, hugs and Prayers have strengthened me in my most painful moments.

God is so kind, he has put so many people in my life, I have been so blessed with a extraordinary support system. I can't go into hiding even on the days I want to...too many people are reaching out to me.


It is what it is, she will be home when it is time, I can relax and let GOD do what He does best, take care of me. Despite my will and what I think is best for ME, he knows how to take care of his children.
I am after all HIS daughter, as is my precious little Cleo.